What Are Healthy Boundaries in a Relationship?

People often get confused about what a healthy boundary is. When is it okay to say no? Are ultimatums okay? What is an unhealthy boundary?

The purpose of boundaries is to protect and take care of ourselves. We need to be able to let people know when their behavior is not acceptable to us. And we need to know that we have a right to do this.

Boundaries are about self-care.

Boundaries are never about power and control over another. They are always about self-care.

Can you say no without being angry? If you cannot, it is a sure sign that you have difficulty with setting boundaries.

Do you walk over someone else’s desires and rights? If so, it is a sure sign that you have difficulty respecting boundaries.

Where do we need to set boundaries?

Sometimes we need to set boundaries around someone else’s behavior and sometimes we need to set them around our own behavior.

Boundary complications

Boundary issues are also complicated by wounds, trauma, stressors, and inadequate support in your relationship.

Protection from intruding elements

Also, consider when your relationship does not have a protective bubble around it. Basically the relationship is between two. When thirds (whether a substance, a habit or another person) begin to interfere with the protection around the two, we have a boundary issue. Our love relationships need to be made special and important and have protection from intruding elements.

For example in a relationship with an alcoholic, the alcohol becomes a third figure in the relationship, and this creates problems because the partner of the alcoholic is no longer the primary partner, instead the alcohol becomes the go to partner.

Making the relationship first

Sometimes we run into trouble with boundaries because we want something and instead of talking about what we want and figuring out a solution, we bypass what our partners want and make our choice without them. For example, we might invite a relative to a holiday event before we checked in with our spouse – because we know our spouse doesn’t want to see that person. That action reveals both a manipulation (we want what we want – even at the expense of our primary relationship) and a boundary issue - because we aren’t respecting that we are in a two-person system that needs to be honored. Sometimes compromises have to be made. That they come out of discussion, not out of violating the boundary of the relationship and the relationships needs.

Individual needs within the relationship

This doesn’t mean we have to give up our individual needs or our dreams. Sometimes we have to get our partners to understand what is important to us. Other times, we may find that our partner cannot honor our dreams. If this occurs, therapy may be helpful. It is important that the relationship can hold both partner’s dreams.

Level 18 in WeConcile addresses boundaries in great detail although you will learn about them along the way.

Here is a short article on Saying No to Someone You Love. 

Here is an article on what stops someone from Setting Boundaries

Here is an article: Newlyweds and Couples Moving In Together – Experts’ Advice, with a section on Triangulation in a Relationship that I wrote.